Posted by Word Rape Victims Elvis Dingeldein and Redmond
“Hey, just keep reminding me of Grandpa Sheeran’s favorite Latin tag: Illegitimi non carborundum!” which, loosely translated, means, “Don’t let the bastards get you down.” – Sarah Palin, Going Rogue.
Sarah Palin to Resign as Alaska Governor – Washington Post. 7/3/09
In which, Sarah Palin is not responsible for any of her actions and uses her kids as scapegoats. Because if they’re no longer props on the national stage, why not blame them for shit? That’s just common sense, everyday, down home, Alaskan hockey stick – God, I hate this book – caribou chewing, Focusing on the Family.
Back me up, James Dobson.
ELVIS: There’s simply no other title for this chapter than “THE PASSION OF THE PALIN”REDMOND: Really? I’m pretty sure “MY CHILDREN MADE ALL MY MAJOR DECISIONS FOR ME SO IT’S THEIR FAULT” would work.ELVIS: Ah, kudos and well-parried, sensei. Because you’re right. Piper for the financial stuff, Track for the Politics.REDMOND: Quitting the governorship? Track’s fault. But, hey, you can’t get mad at a soldier? Eh? Amirite? Aw, that crafty bitch.ELVIS: Support My Troop! I get a real weird Oedipus sort of vibe with those two.REDMOND: Sarah really wanted to finish out her term, but how do you say “no” to a soldier? Commies.ELVIS: Since she’s so scary read-up on her Greeks, Ms Plato-Quoter!Have we started? Is this for real? You’re done reading already?REDMOND: Oh, I’m done. Though it was touch and go during the “Sarah and Bristol talk economics in the car.” Have you noticed how every conversation with her family sounds just like a sitcom? “Boy, the Palins sure found themselves in a pickle today. What’s that old saying Grandpa taught us? That’ll fix this in under 30 minutes. Just in time for S’mores!”ELVIS: That part made me throw up in my own mouth. “Mooommmm! I CAN’T quit my dream of owning a coffee shop just because Barack Obama is Chairman Mao’s lovechild with Karl Marx!” Oh no, Grandpa’s quote is in LATIN!REDMOND: “Pay attention to the tea parties, Mom.” <– ACTUAL QUOTE.ELVIS: And was the slogan, curiously, that Bill Clinton had on a plaque on his desk, which I presume he had to shove out of his way when Monica made with the South Mouth.REDMOND: Because after squeezing out Levi Johnston’s love child and being forced to work two jobs even though your mother is the governor, Bristol Palin knows what the tea party is. BULLSHIT.ELVIS: Indeed. This chapter made me physically ill. I’m extremely nauseous. In my scrotum.REDMOND: 42 pages of Sarah Palin trying to act like she had no choice but to resign as governor. Because she’s a fighter who never stops fighting. Even when quitting. And not-fighting.ELVIS: Don’t you people SEE? She quit for ALASKA! For the PEOPLE. You know, the ones who’d elected her and supported her? Those people. She serves them best by being flown in a private plane from “book signings” that she may or may not actually sign books at. POW!REDMOND: And charges people for pictures. http://breepalin.blogspot.com/2009/12/sarah-palins-fee-schedule-found.htmlELVIS: Yeah, you saw that? She’s got a Walgreens Photo Lab in the back of that fake tour bus. Print you out an 8×7 of her freshly-Brazilianed Jebus Pie for $49.95.Ms Palin’s Lawyers can contact me at Elvis Dingeldein, C/O Bob Cesca, Somewhere in Pennsylvania.REDMOND: Here’s the best quote that really, truly encapsulates the magical Bizarro-World Sarah Palin’s brain lives in:
But there was no scandal. There was no FBI investigation, no greedy grasp for money….
She writes in her million of dollar book that’s a New York Times bestseller. I didn’t do for the money. [Wipes ass with solid gold Ark of the Covenant.] Honest.ELVIS: Actual quote.ELVIS: She phoned that paragraph in from the jacuzzi in the back of her stretch-Hummer on the way to see Tiger Woods get beat with a 9 Iron.REDMOND: Haha! Tiger Woods. TOPICAL.ELVIS: POW! I made with the Celebrity Funny!REDMOND: Keeping it fresh for the kids. I like that.ELVIS: You know who does that well? TheSuperficial.com. They do good work.REDMOND: And handsome work at that. Or so the legend goes. But anyway…ELVIS: Some interesting tidbits from this chapter.A) Sarah Palin WOULD divorce Todd except that he’s so fucking hot without his shirt on.B) She’d SO be a porn star if she wasn’t constantly turding out babies.C) The turkey slaughtering photo op? COMPLETELY baffled her because she doesn’t understand how cameras work, apparently.REDMOND: That was the liberal media’s fault. Because everyone became the liberal media after the VP nom. Rush Limbaugh was practically George Soros in the mind of Sarah Palin.ELVIS: That last one bugged the living fuck out of me. To hear her tell it, the TV station TOTALLY punk’d her by shooting at a Liberal Commie Karl Marx Chairman Mao “angle” that “cleverly” caught the “cletus” putting a fucking turkey into a grinding apparatus.REDMOND: She could’ve been shorted a McNugget at the McDonald’s drive-thru. DAMN LIBERAL MEDIA!ELVIS: That’s funny. When I’M shorted a McNugget I blame Glenn Beck.REDMOND: (I blame George Will’s bowtie.) So, if we haven’t stated before, welcome to Going Rogue: Sarah’s Bid for the Tea Party Nomination.ELVIS: God I hate that fucking bowtie.REDMOND: When that thing kills him, and it will, I’ll laugh. — Heartily.ELVIS: Also, page 362 bears some quoting, I think. We need to get to the bottom of this whole Teaparty thing, and Sarah gives us a hand.REDMOND: Because Bristol told her to look into those Tea Baggers. So if that blows up in her face like everything she touches, again, the goddamn kids’ fault.ELVIS: She and Bristol are driving and teabagging and the radio has some good news about “another anti-tax tea party.”
Just what I needed to hear to spark hope again! I had to believe enough Americans were listening, watching, learning what was going on in their White House, with their Congress, and that they weren’t going to just sit quietly and buckle up while those in Washington took the country for a ride.
Wacky Mixed Metaphors aside, can I just ask, What. The. Fuck?REDMOND: By all means. WTF away.ELVIS: “Anti-tax tea party.” Coupled directly with, “Their White House and Their Congress? I feel like Gene Hackman at the end of THE BIRDCAGE.REDMOND: The part where he realizes he’s gay? ZING!ELVIS: I’m starting to feel like Bob Newhart or Andy Griffith: The only sane person in a town full of yokels and nutbars. Teabaggers: You HAVE REPRESENTATION! Duly and freely and legally elected! YOUR SIDE LOST! SUCK. IT.REDMOND: Fucking EXACTLY! I love how Sarah Palin rails about our freedoms being taken away. Because apparently Barack Obama is showing up at people’s houses telling them what to do. “You going to eat that sandwich? Like hell you are. I’M THE GOVERNMENT!”ELVIS: And which cars to drive. And then he creates the Sammich Tax. Going to tax the living fuck out of that sammich.REDMOND: “You going to write a horrible piece of shit and get paid millions? My ass. MEET MY LIBERAL PIMP HAND!” That’s literally how Sarah Palin and the entire Tea Bag crowd views the current state of the government. Despite a year ago, they couldn’t get enough of the wiretappings and Patriot Acts and Dick Cheney anal probes for terrorists. “He done keep me safe. And with a colonic. Shucks.”ELVIS: My favorite part of this chapter was in the first few pages, when she reminds us all that she forsook the United States Senate to literally be a hockey mom — because if she didn’t, who would? WHO WOULD!? — but it was perfectly fine to forsake a Down Baby for the Veep Slot.REDMOND: BINGO.ELVIS: Hockey it up for Track? That’s a Big Ten-Four. Be a serious mom for Trig? Is there hockey involved? No? Fuck it, let me at that Vice-Presidency!REDMOND: Which is why here’s my summary of the entire chapter: Everything that would’ve made me the world’s greatest VP is exactly why I can’t be governor. WHY CAN’T YOU GET THAT? Only Sarah Palin could turn an entire chapter into a contradiction of the previous one. That’s good ghostwriting.ELVIS: I’m not sure her ghostwriter knows much about Sarah Palin.REDMOND: Has anyone even heard from Sarah Palin’s ghostwriter since this thing?ELVIS: Maybe should have paid a few interns to do Teh Researchings.Get a little Lexis-Nexis up in this bitch! Literally. Inside Sarah Palin’s uterus.REDMOND: I’m certain they’re in a straight jacket screaming about sports anecdotes and caribou salsa con carne.ELVIS: Sullivan is certain there’s a doctor’s receipt in there saying “I.O.U. one Down Baby.”REDMOND: HAHAHA! I have spitteth the beer.ELVIS: Also, there’s a Liberal Playbook. Which is why we’re all so fucking organized and awesome. The Playbook™.REDMOND: I’m still waiting for my copy. Right now all I’ve got is this memo that says “Eat caviar and file ethics complaints.” Which I’ve done neither, so I suck. Sorry, left wing blogosphere!ELVIS: AND, Liberals mastered the art of Teh Politickings of Personal Destructitude.REDMOND: We did and brought down Newt Gingrich. Which, shit, that reminds me.ELVIS: Not so much the Republicans launching a military invasion of Bill Clinton’s ureter.REDMOND: I wanted to mention this in Chapter One, but have you noticed how huge of a pass Ted Stevens has got in this thing? She bitches about every Alaskan legislator being hit with corruption EXCEPT Ted Stevens. He’s Jesus on Ice.ELVIS: She loves her the Ted Stevens. He used to babysit her when she lived in a bear cave in Upper Buttcrack. We should mention that this chapter is Chocked Full of the Full-Color Photographies.REDMOND: Next to the Taint Creek of I-quit Junction.ELVIS: Some of which make my colon retract like a frightened turtle.REDMOND: I did not look at the photographs.ELVIS: The one of Sarah and Track gives me the Williest of all Willies.REDMOND: It’s bad enough I’m being buffeted in the face with words, color pictures is where I draw the line on eye rape.ELVIS: She’s either ENTIRELY stoned in this picture or that close a contact is making her Alaska Parts melty.REDMOND: And now we really know why Trig is special needs. I WENT THERE.ELVIS: POW! YOU WENT THERE!REDMOND: I didn’t even hestitate.ELVIS: Ms Palin’s lawyers can contact Redmond via Bob Cesca, Liberalburgh PAREDMOND: I thought of it, and you just read it.ELVIS: I have no sac. I am humbled before the sheer weight and volumnity of your scrotum. Or, as you and I call it, “Fridays.” ZING!! I went there. Suck it, New York. Fucking Geigh Haters.REDMOND: That seems like a good note to end. Slanderous claims of incest.ELVIS: Also, “volumnity” might not be a word.REDMOND: Elvis and Redmond: Keeping it Classy. With the scrotum talk.ELVIS: I’m not nearly done yet, you sonuvabitch! There’s a picture in the Full Color Photographies of Palin wearing a skirt that makes the entire campaign bus her gynecologist.REDMOND: Okay, now I’m looking at the pictu- GOOD GOD.They can see Russia in there.ELVIS: And the picture of her standing in a hotel room with Lieberman, Lindsay Graham and John McCain makes me never want to be heterosexual again.REDMOND: HA! Wow. Those men definitely just climaxed.ELVIS: Simultaneously.REDMOND: There is sincerely no other explanation for those facial expressions. Jesus. Why did you make me look at these?ELVIS: Those gentleman achieved a quorum! I totally typed that the way Johnny Carson would have said it.REDMOND: Ha-ha-ha. YES! [In Ed McMahon voice. RIP]ELVIS: In that Carson voice that Stewart imitates? FUCK we need a Radio Show! Poor fat broke Ed. Died all penniless and shit. Sold his house on eBay.REDMOND: Why didn’t The Donald really save him? I’m talking from death, too. The man has that much money. DAMN YOU, DONALD! “Oh, hey, I’ll buy your house. Or watch you die. Either one. I’m filthy rich.”ELVIS: There’s a picture in the Full-Color Photographies of Piper Palin ACTUALLY managing the Veep ticket on the campaign plane.REDMOND: I’m not going back to those pics again.ELVIS: DO IT! LOOK AT THE PHOTOGRAPHIES!REDMOND: I’ve seen things that soldiers in combat would sympathize with.Namely the McCain/Lieberman/Graham triple en ‘jaculating. Seriously, I don’t want to talk to you anymore.ELVIS: That’s the world’s first-ever still photograph of a three-way Senatorial moneyshot. Oh you’ll talk to me. YOU GOT ME INTO THIS FUCKING PROJECT!REDMOND: And I regret every hockey anecdote of it. With vigor.ELVIS: You know that Andree McLeod — the falafel lady — Palin keeps bitching about? The one that filed 543,734 ethics complaints against Governor McQuitty?Did Palin ever mention in the book that Falafel Lady is a REPUBLICAN?REDMOND: Google tells me she’s an Ankle Biting Attention Freak.ELVIS: But a REPUBLICAN Ankle Biting Attention Freak!REDMOND: Kind of like the former governor. No wonder they never got along. Opposites attract. Well I enjoy a nice falafel. Not as much as Bill O’Reilly though.ELVIS: POW!REDMOND: Or am I thinking of loofahs. Either way, he wants it rubbed all over the nubile body of interns. OR THEY’RE FIRED.ELVIS: Bill really owns his hypocrisy.REDMOND: I’m really trying to get sued tonight.ELVIS: Teh God™ love him. You’re used to it. Don’t you get sued every 11 minutes in your Real Job?REDMOND: 8, but who’s counting? Alright, I need to go thaw my brain from Sarah Palin Explains the Economy in Ass Backward Terms.ELVIS: DAMN YOU CELEBRITY NIPPLES!! To the Summifaction Machine!GOING ROGUE, CHAPTER FIVE: I died for your sins, Alaska. I died for your sins. Done and done.REDMOND: GOING ROGUE, CHAPTER FIVE: The fucking kids made me do it!ELVIS: GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!