Farce and the Furious


Artist – Chris Weyant

In other news, according to a new poll from Dartmouth College, 63 percent of self-identified Republicans still believe Iraq had Weapons of Mass Destruction when we invaded in 2003, and 64 percent believe President Obama was born in another country.

The only word that comes to mind is “derp.”

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  • mrbrink

    “This is outrageous! I am a U.S. Congressman! What’s the matter with you people? Why aren’t you listening to me?! I am not a homosexual! I’m not like you people! Guards! Guards! Seize them! Seize theeeeem!”

    They had moved much more swiftly than the former Congressman and Chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee had fully anticipated. He had never been handled with such raw, masculine strength. There was no time to hold hearings, or gather weeks of testimony. There was no stenographer hanging on his every word, and his new constituents would not allow him extra time to properly demean this particular captive audience. They were organized. Their methods were that of a hunting pack, sexual carnivores led by a bad tempered mountain of an Alpha-male who would be the first, and certainly not the last, to get to know Darrell Issa’s nuanced views on the federal penitentiary system’s unofficial schedule of daily recreational activities.

    It was only his first night of what was to be the rest of his natural life in an American federal prison. The sentence was more lenient than a jury of his peers had recommended– death by non-lubricated vaginal probing on Pay-Per-View. But Darrell Issa had managed to pull what would be his final string with an empathetic judge who had been appointed by Democrat. The richest Congressman in America, valued at over $450 million– saw his privileges of wealth and disproportionate influence reduced to zero the second the gavel dropped.

    It was nothing like he had heard. They had told him that he was special, and that no one would care about a wealthy U.S. Congressman with tanned, well-hydrated skin, sculpted conservative republican hair, and a middle-aged ass that doesn’t like to brag much.

    After exposing the intricate details of Operation Raging Thundercock the year before, an operation set up by federal and local authorities, and judges, various neighborhood watchers, knitting circles, a whole fleet of ice cream trucks, TMZ, a Mexican-American Mariachi band from Cancun, and an undercover Justin Bieber(“Agent B”) to ensnare an extraterrestrial sex slave ring in what was to be the biggest intergalactic kiddie porn bust in the history of the galaxy– Darrell Issa’s hair-driven ego had gotten the better of him. This was nothing like his self-described heroic efforts to expose the FBI, CIA, and the P.T.A. in an effort to bust New Jersey governor Chris Christie for his ties to Mob stereotypes in Operation Godfather Guido Sarducci that left a few priests and teachers hanging from a spaghetti noose. This time it was Justin Bieber’s dentist’s chauffeur, what’s-his-name, and he was no longer with us because of Issa’s efforts to bring justice… to justice. This was the final straw and Americans had finally had enough of Darrell Issa’s abuse of power that would see several other federal sting operations and agents in the field, tactics, strategies, and future plans– all publicly exposed. Millions of dollars had been squandered, covers blown, innocent lives had surely been inconvenienced, families were moved for safety concerns, and one of Justin Bieber’s colorful high top shoes had been lost in an unrelated bull fight gone bad.

    For Darrell Issa, a name that will live in infamy in the 15 minute news cycle for ever, or until Rielle Hunter gives birth to Octuplets, can only close his eyes now and try to imagine he’s back in the spotlight– the Star Witness and prosecutor– and wonder if his new family of heavily tattooed neo-Nazi lifers will investigate his orifices with the same concern for truth and justice he showed during Operation Fast and Furious.

    And the last thoughts Darrell Issa thought– just before blacking out through chants of “fresh fish! fresh fish!” was trying to remember his public stance and official position on federal funding for prison rape prevention standards. It’s faced down with a sock stuffed in his mouth, now. And, Darrell Issa, with his ass numb and stretched, beyond whatever a mother could possibly love, even with good politician hair, can now only hope that his new constituents appreciate what he’s done for the country and his hair.

    Justice is ready for a close up, and Justice is a very large man.

    • http://twitter.com/tlavely Tony Lavely

      I enjoyed the hell outta this!
      Thanks!

  • Brutlyhonest

    Obama went back in his time machine (the one used to make the birth announcement) and warned Uncle Saddam that the rwnjs had tired of propping him up and not getting the destruction of EYE-ran he had promised. So, they were coming for him and he should hide whatever was left of the WMDs they gave him/helped him acquire.

  • http://twitter.com/GeekHillbilly Geek Hillbilly

    Another word that applies to the Republican/Teanderthal attitude is “Insane”