Romney is Staking his Campaign on Debate Zingers? Good Luck with That.

My Tuesday column is loaded with zingers.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m thoroughly excited about the first presidential debate tomorrow night. I can sense it coming down Main Street: something harrowing will in fact occur on that stage and given what we know about the candidates and the expectations leading up to the event, there’s a solid chance Mitt Romney will say a few things that will be ridiculous or embarrassing or both.

It’s difficult to know in advance whether a potential Romney moment of awkwardness will hurt his chances at this point, but it certainly won’t help. Meanwhile, after reviewing the videos of the general election debates four years ago as well as the “Question Time” debates in 2010, I’m reasonably certain that the president will emerge unscathed and, perhaps, solidify his lead in the polls.

But what’s heightened the anticipation for this debate is the news that Romney, the unfunniest man in politics, has spent the last five or six or seven weeks rehearsing jokes and jabs — “zingers” — in preparation for the debate. On top of that, the overall stakes for Romney to deliver an historic performance couldn’t be greater given how much the Republican Party and the conservative base has pointed to the debates as the last opportunity for Romney to reverse his fortunes and win the election. Even the most poised, confident, experienced political Jedi on the level of, say, Bill Clinton would have an extraordinarily difficult time meeting those expectations, and yet the Romney campaign believes these scripted “zingers” will do the trick. Continue reading here.

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  • mrbrink

    I’m excited, too, Bob. But this thing is being billed as though it’s Mitt Romney’s second second second chance to rewrite his whole campaign and get a fresh start a month away from the most important election since the last one. How many chances does a wealthy white man get to rule the world? Thousands, evidently. Romney should have been disqualified six months ago, and every day since. But here we are, in Christmas morning anticipation of yet another gift wrapped photo of the same Mitt Romney that looks just like the one we got last time, and the time before that. These things are piling up!

    Seeing Mitt Romney at the debate is going to be like watching a guy who keeps showing up to make cold-sales calls at the job he was fired from six months ago by a guy like Mitt Romney.

    He refuses to take “fuck off, jerk!” for an answer. His days in France during the Vietnam War knocking on doors as a patriotic Mormon missionary taught him all about love for his country and tenacity in the face of the Bras d’honneur. That’s a zinger, motherfucker.

    At this point, his whole act should be viewed like a sad and cruel candid camera reality show with a built-in laugh track they activate every time Clarence the angel is sucked up by Ann Romney’s giant lizard tongue. You know? to let you know when it’s time to laugh. “Oh, Ann…”

    …Here comes Mitt Romney! Singing and smirking and zinging his way into America’s tortured corpse of a soul as he complains about stuff! Stuff like, “the economy and jobs!” and appearing on the The View while we’re at war with these terrorist-killers! or feigning outrage when faced with the notion that there are, in fact, “bumps in the road” to democracy. As everyone knows, America never had any bumps. We’re exceptional! Exceptionally exceptional! Our genocidal slave-holding fore fathers established this democratic republic without one memorable bump. So those bumps over there are clearly inferior bumps that are threatening our way of life and they need to be pulverized and sculpted into respect for submission to democracy, like a perfect blood diamond of liberty paving the world’s freedom toll ways.

    And how many Swing-idiots will Mitt need to convince that the exotic butterfly wings and orphanage fires it takes to feed Ann Romney’s will to live are revenue neutral? Who knows? Tune in Thursday to find out! (unless you plan to vote for “ROMNEY!ROMNEY!“/….(ryan), then tune in on Wednesday).

    Yes, It’s going to be exceptional TV in its unprecedented gall, hearing all about the “ROMNEY!ROMNEY!“/…(ryan) campaign’s concern for the 53% of The 100% who are suffering for the sinful behavior of the 47% of The 100%(May god and government rest their poor, soupy-breath souls.). That’s a lot of totally complicated mathematical entertainment for the low low price of your suppressed vote.

    This should be a definitive turning point for Republican credibility in America’s discourse, a bridge collapse on the road to democracy, if you will, to have to hear all about how we can’t afford to wait any longer to cut the top rate by 20%, or something, and finally get government off the backs of the 100% by abolishing all capital gains, dividends, and inheritance taxes… for middle and low income families, of course– That untapped reservoir of personal savings and time-share investment opportunities. And hearing about all the “Progressivity” and concern and compassion for the poor, women, and the elderly Mitt Romney intends to maintain in the tax code, should be an event the whole family can cringe to while watching.

    • Brutlyhonest

      You, Sir, nailed it (again). Sometimes I think you may be angrier than I am!

      I do wish, however, you hadn’t made me look up Bras d’honneur this early in the A.M.

      As for Rmoney, I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to actually channel raygun’s voice.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Michael-Norris/1597765442 Michael Norris

      Mr. Brink you are one angry man; and you are a man after my own heart. Tip of the hat, sir on your posting. More of that anytime.

    • gescove

      Wait a minute… we’ve had our bumps. It’s just that, thanks to our exceptionally exceptional exceptionalism, they were all just the right height. I’m glad you recognize that Rmoney’s tax law, in it’s magnificent equality, will allow the poor as well as the rich to throw off the yoke of capital gains, interest, and inheritance taxes. Because freedom!

  • ninjaf

    I saw Verbal Nurples (before they hit it big) in a small club outside of Detroit.

  • bphoon

    The thing about zingers is that they’re supposed to be unexpected and, therefore, unadvertised.

    The Romney campaign are fucking up zingers before they even zing them…

  • zirgar

    Of course, Romney’s biggest joke is his campaign.

  • Chachizel

    What I’m wondering is who is going to write these “zingers” and “jokes”? We all know that conservatives are decidely unfunny. Hmmmm. Lol…good luck with that Mitt. What an asshole.
    You know what? How bout you just try and win by having better ideas, and a better plan for this country…all 100% of this country. Yeah, right…that will never happen.

  • http://JCohenMusic.com Justin Cohen

    Bob, thanks for the excellent post. I laughed out loud multiple times.

    Thank you also for the historical perspective. The only political debate zinger that I was aware of was the “you’re no Jack Kennedy” line but I didn’t know the context. I had always assumed that it had some devastating political effect. Pretty interesting that it didn’t change anything although it was only a vice presidential debate.

    I think your entire characterization of what we can expect in the first debate is spot on and I also am very much looking forward to it.

  • Victor_the_Crab

    “Unless the president loses all composure for the first time in his political life and, say, gives Romney a purple nurple on stage…”

    BWAH!!! I’m laughing hysterically at the mental picture of Obama twisting Romney’s nipples on national television. Of course, IMO, I could see most of the country shouting “HARDER” at the president.