They couldn’t believe their luck. It was the break they had been cultivating for nearly four years. The October 2012 surprise that would last through the October 2014 Midterms at the very least.
When Senator John McCain finally received word via telegram sent from his most trusted homing pigeon’s smart phone informing him that: “U.S. Ambassador Killed In Benghazi by ‘Flash Mob With Weapons‘ – stop!” Republicans had already developed a full line of Benghazi-themed products for sale on the American market months before.
In the name of “Jobs and the Economy,” everything from imported aged horseshit toothpaste to pre-poopy adult baby whiner diapers were being manufactured at a pace only an unregulated free market could love.
With the full intention of saving the national economy by securing the word “terrorism” rather than “extremist” in our Benghazi jobs plan, Republicans still needed an edge if they were going to get back their foreign policy credibility. And with Congressman Darrell Issa, fresh off his failure to destroy Attorney General Eric Holder, now rumored by me to be speaking through a self-modeled ventriloquist dummy(because why the fuck not?)already a leading figure in the Republican party’s comeback-dream of achieving full anti-Obama consensus and indentured bipartisanship in America, it was time for Lindsey Graham to dust off John McCain’s foreign policy cheeks and get busy inventing an important-sounding committee for him to lead because there’s no way a rogue Georgian leader like John McCain is going to live out his days marginalized in the Senate heading up the Goddamn Indian Affairs Committee!
But how would they create a new government job in this intentionally-depressed economy when everybody knows the government doesn’t create jobs? It would take a proven strategy! But where could they find such a winning strategy? President Obama’s certainly no expert on winning strategies. World famous surge-man and counter-insurgency expert, David Petraeus, certainly wasn’t going to offer any useful advice.
After scouring the Sunday morning talk shows for less than five minutes, Republicans had found their answer to solving the issues of job creation, energy independence, climate change, immigration, the fiscal cliff, the Israeli/Palestinian conflict, hurricane Sandy aftermath, and Twinkie shortages:
Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice!
She’s the one responsible for slipping Agenda 21 into the water supply and rigging the minds of the electorate! She was the one who helped conceal the president’s birth certificate in his college transcripts! Ambassador Susan Rice is the reason the Libyans killed Doc Brown in 1985 and the reason why Mitt Romney is now reduced to touring gated communities with his band, Mitt Romney and The Five Puke Progeny Death Fucks, rather than leading real-America’s hearts and minds into the Benghazi economy of 19th century!
Republicans are taking back America for Republicans everywhere one indiscriminate politically-motivated document dump, one dead-end witch hunt, and one superbly qualified American Ambassador at a time. Because jobs and the economy can’t wait for this president to lead!