The Last Throbbing Surge Of David Petraeus

By Mr. Brink

It couldn’t be easy, hunkered down behind enemy lines, holed up in some C.I.A. black site all the time, miles below the planet’s crust at the furthest, secretest reaches of the globe trying to steal a private moment to partake in the spoils of a forbidden love, away from all the “blah, blah, blah something-something Benghazi Consulate is Under Attack” distractions of the Joint Chiefs, Secretary Of Defense, Secretary of State, or The President Of The United States.

This was always much more than a fling, or a holiday romance. It was a professional relationship established on giving and taking. It was a blossoming mutual respect for surges and withdrawals! It was love, and it was surging!

With the Taliban, Al Qaeda, Russian spies, loose nukes, Somali pirates, Chinese cyber terrorists, climate change, killer bees, a mysterious third lover, and gays in the military all solved and taking care of themselves, David Petraeus could finally find the time to lead America’s national security charge in Operation Enduring My Legacy.

David Petraeus, the man who led the country’s most cherished surges and withdrawals, surges and withdrawals, ask John McCain, couldn’t believe he hit the surge-lottery when she walked in to his secret Forward Operating Base beneath The Sphinx of Egypt looking for three generic quotes on leadership she could stretch into twelve erotic tales of sex, power and intrigue. 

They will never confirm, nor deny, that the weekend they spent together at Lunar Base’s Black Site 69 during The Council On Foreign Colonization’s Annual Global Domination Convention and Potluck– featuring Angelina Jolie as the guest conductor for the ceremonial Secret Book Of The Forever Un-Dead Recital was the stuff of black-op adultery and mile-high club legend.

But it was his leadership that drew her to his leadership that he really liked about her.

First in 2007, by leading the surging into the neighborhoods of Iraq, injecting his novel thesis on counterinsurgency directly into the hearts and minds of something called, “the locals.” It was realized that by not shooting them directly in their hearts and minds as they walked to the pile of rubble where their jobs and schools used to be was a successful overall strategy to getting more resources and humanitarian aid-relief into the hands of starving U.S. military contractors. But building an occupying trust with the Iraqi people in their partitioned neighborhoods would take more than just a man and a few mildly inspirational leadership quotes spoken directly to the Sunni Awakening tribesmen. It would take $16 million dollars a month.

And now, the man who would seduce a nation of uncomfortably authoritarian Republican men with his ability to surge and lead again in Afghanistan, Libya, and Bin Laden’s compound with no help whatsoever from President Obama– General David Petraeus– can finally find a moment, after solving the issues of suicides, sexual assaults, and the rise of white Christian supremacists among the enlisted, to delve into his most important project since Operation Raging Thundercock: Resignation.

But something tells me we haven’t seen the last of David Howell Petraeus.

Someone will have to lead the surge in the Donald Trump Revolution. Right?

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  • Victor_the_Crab

    Quick! Someone get Mr. Brink a writing job on the Daily Show or the Colbert Report!

    • MiddleMittenLiberal

      Or, perhaps, romance novels!!

  • http://www.politicalruminations.com/ nicole

    Resigned: to cleaning off my screen and making more coffee.

  • JackDaniel07

    “It was realized that by not shooting them directly in their hearts and minds as they walked to the pile of rubble where their jobs and schools used to be was a successful overall strategy to getting more resources and humanitarian aid-relief into the hands of starving U.S. military contractors. ”

    Church is IN

  • http://www.politicalruminations.com/ nicole

    “Someone will have to lead the surge in the Donald Trump Revolution”

    Donald Trump should be stuffed like the bloviating squirrel that he is, and mounted on the wall of an exotic game hunter.

    If I were his kid, I’d be considering my options and plotting.

  • 1933john

    Old Military Maxim (unexpurgated version):

    “A Stiff Dick Has No Conscious”

  • JMAshby
  • gescove

    Operation Raging Thundercock. I nominate Mr. Brink to name all military operations, both surges and withdrawals, from now on.

  • muselet

    Damn. I am in awe.

    Damn.

    –alopecia

  • chanceofrainne

    I’m honestly not sure whether to be revolted or aroused.

  • rikyrah

    someone at the CIA dropped the dime on him. they wanted him GONE.