America Will Wait Forever For You, Republican Party

Over the course of this past week, right wing conservatives gathered at the National Review’s ‘Conservative Summit’ where a whole host of “makers,” like Paul Ryan– who are obviously not at all ashamed, or aware, of their great government jobs and excellent benefits– raged wonkily against the dying of corporate populism. No worries, though. Christian family values, and corporate-Christian-family-values were also on colorful display like the swimsuit competition in a pageant of intolerance, but it’s always difficult to discern where all the factions of conservatism actually differ in terms of an endgame.

One by one they showed up and touted their individual and collective ideological prowess, like savage armchair warriors of righteousness as internet-troll guardians of America’s fuck yeah! spirit.

Rep. Paul Ryan addressed the attendees without getting too wonky on them, and in the place where some much needed soul-searching would be if he had a soul and wasn’t someone who stands behind his view that the country is divided into a people of Makers vs. Takers, spoke of countering the president’s ruthless strategy of folding his arms and watching the Republican party cannibalize itself:

“We can’t get rattled. We won’t play the villain in his morality plays. We have to stay united,” we have to show that if given the chance, we can govern. We have better ideas.”

It’s as though the five stages of grief for Republicans rest solely on denial, anger, and some new stage called, The Old South Will Rise Again, Moochers!

It seems like everywhere you look these days there is a Republican party leader smiling through gritting teeth and faking their way through a public relations stint designed to showcase a laughable attempt at party introspection, and to show that they can be trusted to suppress their intellectual pedophile urges to redefine rape, torture, democracy, and economic equality.

They might as well be discussing the latest trends in 1981 windowless van decor and winning candy strategies. It’s an event that brings out all the crazies to speak to a gated community near you about “listening to urban areas better” in what is an annual self-induction into the Despicable People Hall Of Fame.

Here’s an idea: 

It's The New Republican Party!

The Budget Committee Chairman went on to remind the more obvious mental defectives in the day room that they still control most state legislatures and the U.S. House of Representatives. He conveniently omitted how right wing conservatives also have an insurgent filibustering minority in the U.S. Senate, a majority on the Supreme Court, as well as virtual hive-mind control of a corporate media empire– radio, television, and print– with no current serious rival. Poor Republicans. Seizing absolute power will just have to wait for 2016.

But if that wasn’t enough soul-searching conservative consummating for one human week, there was also the Republican National Committee meeting in Charlotte over the weekend, where Gov. Bobby Jindal, among others, spoke about the changing demographics of a nation desperately seeking the grown up leadership of Gov. Jindal’s awkward smiles, and in his speech to fellow right wing weirdos regarding the party’s obsession with skewing budget numbers and their own feces, stated,

“today’s conservatism is in love with zeroes.”

Not to be confused with the zeroes that appear on over-sized Recovery Act checks or specific Republican party members.

But Gov. Jindal, like Rep. Paul Ryan, like Republican Party Chairman Reince Priebus, and like every Republican party “leader” who tries to come out of the denial closet, seems to think their problem is one of messaging, not the messenger. That their principles are worth fighting for(“pro-growth, small government”) and the principles of Progressives, or President Obama, for that matter, are just better messengers for an inferior race of ideas. Because Republicans seem to believe it’s the “bizarre,” or “stupid comments” they have made which have brought them to their fake moment of self awareness, and not the policies that disenfranchise whole cities and states from their rights and protections. Gov. Bobby Jindal later reiterated his ridiculously partisan opposition to President Obama and said that preventing the president from spending and bankrupting the government that republicans have been trying to cripple and bankrupt for decades should be their unifying battle cry.

So the sum total of the summits for the beginning of the great Republican take-back of every single branch of government is more about attaining power by any means necessary, and acting like they know what to do with it once they’ve essentially stolen it.

Meanwhile, Republicans seem to think that America should wait for them to play catch up to the 21st century. They seem to think they get as many do-overs as it takes to prove themselves. That America must wait for them to get their shit together as human beings is the pinnacle of arrogance and only affirms the institution of Affirmative Action.

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  • muselet

    What Republicans say the party as a whole, as well as various candidates, have largely failed to do, however, is consider voters as people instead of numbers on a campaign consultant’s chart.

    It will be interesting to see how the Rs respond to this revelation. My money says they’ll continue to sulk and complain about those mean old Democrats, and change nothing (after all, it’s not the message, it’s the messaging—ask anyone attending Crazyfest 2013).

    “There certainly is a lot of talk about tone,” RNC official Henry Barbour, the nephew of former Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, told reporters. “There are too many times that we have had candidates who have come across as hostile.”

    Ya think?

    “One message is loud and clear from the 2012 election,” said Ari Fleischer, President George Bush’s former spokesman and a member of an RNC effort to restore the party’s competitiveness. “Many voters found that Republicans were not inclusive.”

    That’s why you’re such an asset, Ari: your uncanny ability to articulate the blindingly obvious.

    Righties being oblivious are always a hoot.

    –alopecia

    • mrbrink

      What stands out, especially in attempting to translate Gov. Bobby Jindal’s logic in particular, is that he’s discouraging all the numbers talk, an “obsession with zeroes,” but he’s also discouraging the party from their social conservative roots.

      Better to just shut up and talk about vague dinner tables and “values.”

      It’s like having to sit through 10,000 message discipline videos because Republicans can’t stop sexually harassing 3/4 of the country and every time the VHS tape ends, they get to go back to their jobs making decisions that directly impact hundreds of millions of people.

      I’m embarrassed for them.

      • muselet

        To be accurate, Bobby Jindal is discouraging the party from talking about their budgetary fantasies and social conservative roots. It all comes back to messaging for them: if your policy positions are unpopular, don’t change them, just stop talking about them.

        As amused as I may be by the thought that anyone thinks Governor Sand Berms is the answer to the Rs’ demographic problems (“Ooh, look, we have us a brown person, too! That proves we’re not prejudiced!”), I’m worried that such transparent hooey might actually work. The Murcan People aren’t always the brightest bulb in the candelabra.

        I’m embarrassed for them.

        I’m not.

        –alopecia

  • KABoink_after_wingnut_hacker

    Great article Mr. Brink.

    Republicans obviously don’t understand what’s happening around them and it may be because they have built such an effective insular community unto themselves to perpetuate rightwing memes, lies and conspiracies to the point where they are actually dumbfounded when faced with reality.

    And rather than face reality, they blithely double down expecting different results as they scare away more and more moderate voters.

    I noted your statement: “It’s as though the five stages of grief for Republicans rest solely on denial, anger, and some new stage called, The Old South Will Rise Again, Moochers!”
    I agree that this is how republicans see their role as opposition party in the governance of a nation and it’s just too pathetic, deliberately counter productive and boarderline treasonous.