I Watched Sarah Palin’s CPAC Speech So You Don’t Have To

My Monday column provides a valuable public service:

I might be one of very few observers outside of the CPAC bubble who thinks Sarah Palin could still be a serious player on the national political stage. In fact, I don’t entirely count her out as a 2016 candidate. It sounds insane, but I still believe (with varying degrees of certainty) that her bumper-sticker, wafer-thin populism and her shit-kicking derpshow continue to be extraordinarily well-received within the dwindling and therefore increasingly loud, monochromatic, Christian conservative right.

And so it was at CPAC over the weekend where Palin ceremoniously reemerged under the klieg lights of the wingnutosphere after being cut from the Fox News Channel wing of the conservative entertainment complex earlier this year.

Contrary to what we might’ve heard recently, Palin was greeted like a rock star by the pasty white neo-Alex P. Keaton groupies who are clearly desperate for a general-in-chief to lead their antiquated ideology back into fashion. And for all of her obvious faults, Palin’s brand of awkward speechifying precisely connected with the dreams, aspirations and simple-mindedness of her starry-eyed fanboys. [continue reading here]

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  • Zen Diesel

    Luckily for me, I was still buzzing from my Pre St. Patricks Day drinking affair, when I sat down and watched the Queen of Blades, speech. My dulled senses allowed me to stomach her entire speech by viewing it as a poorly scripted NBC comedy with the usual stuff…Blame Obama, Stupid Liberals, Freedom in Merica…Big Gulp….blah blah blah. The simpletons in the audience ate it up of course, for me it was just bad comedy.

  • GrafZeppelin127

    She’s a walking, talking fountain of self-congratulation and resentment.

    I tried listening to a few minutes in the car on Saturday to see if I could stomach it. I couldn’t. Between that shrill voice, schoolgirl nastiness, delusional bullshit and narcissistic paranoia, I had to change the station. She really is a horrible human being, or at least, the character she plays is a horrible human being.

    I always try to keep in mind that this whole thing is an act, improvisational theatre whose main function is twofold: (1) get Republicans elected, and (2) make the actors a shitload of money. There’s a segment among them, I’m sure, that doesn’t actually want (1) because it would diminish (2); then there are those who believe that (1) is a means to (2).

    Palin is the GOP fans’ own Eva Perón. “Sarita,” if you will.

  • Draxiar

    “We don’t have leadership coming out of Washington. We have reality television.” ~~ Sarah Palin

    I actually had to read that three times just to be sure I read what I read. I then took a smidge of time to reflect on how that so perfectly defines the GOTP operations these days. The cynicism and faithful trust in the willful ignorance of anyone that doesn’t see the irony.
    And then…
    The teleprompter joke read from a teleprompter.
    Holy Fuck! *facepalm*

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Michael-Norris/1597765442 Michael Norris

      Like you, I spit coffee on the monitor, then thought, WTF? Did I read that right? Too goddamn stupid to see the idiotic irony in her own statement. Jeezus…these are the stupidest people in the world.

    • Zen Diesel

      Caribou Barbie a wordsmith she ain’t, lol

    • D_C_Wilson

      Self-awareness has never been her strong suit.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Michael-Norris/1597765442 Michael Norris

    Republicans are too stupid to realize it, but Sarah Palin is driving the Fox News bus that is careening towards the cliff of irrelevance. As long as the Republicans continue to court people like Palin, and their new all-star Ted Cruz, they are going no where.

  • i_am_allwrite

    How do you maim the language so badly when you’re reading off of a teleprompter? Seriously, is it written that way? How could it be?
    She’ll never be president, Bob. She’s too lazy, plus there’s no way she’ll work for $400,000 a year.

  • muselet

    I agree with you. Sarah Palin most definitely could be a national force again. If enough other R candidates implode—à la 2012—she could swoop in as a white (*ahem*) knight and end up the R candidate.

    What happens in the general election, though, is the big question. If the Rs have sufficiently sabotaged the economy, she might be in with a shout against a weak D candidate; if the economy continues to improve, she would probably get crushed and take the rest of her party down with her.

    Unless Palin learns some discipline (and not the fun kind where Todd ties her up and … sorry, sorry, so sorry). Right now, she’s the same Sarah Palin she always was: incurious, bone-lazy and given to rambling, incoherent speeches filled with anger and resentment. If she developed a halfway-decent work ethic and let speechwriters put words in her mouth, the TPers and the CPACers would fall in line like good little soldiers and the Ds would have a hell of a fight on their hands.

    A Sarah Palin actually willing to campaign and a bad economy is a combination that doesn’t bear thinking about.


  • Victor_the_Crab

    Reality TV shot, teleprompter shot. Sarah Palin is right wing projectionism personified.

  • mrbrink

    In 2008, nearly 60 million people turned out to vote for a ticket that included Sarah Palin for Vice President of The United States of America of the free world.

    In 2012, over 60 million people turned out to vote for a ticket that included everything Sarah Palin represents.

    Sleep tight.

  • D_C_Wilson

    She won’t run so long as professional victimhood pays better than running for office.

    Then again, with her Fox contract not being renewed, her reality TV show canceled, and her book sales sliding. She may have to.