The Real Mastermind of Benghazi

According to Michele Bachmann, the real mastermind of Benghazi was the almighty and evidently-wrathful God. Not President Obama.

via RightWingWatch

Bachmann: It’s no secret that our nation may very well be experiencing the hand of judgment. It’s no secret that we all are concerned that our nation may be in a time of decline. If that is in fact so, what is the answer? The answer is what we are doing here today: humbling ourselves before an almighty God, crying out to an almighty God, saying not of ourselves but you, would you save us oh God? We repent of our sins, we turn away from them, we seek you, we seek your ways. That’s something that we’re doing today, that we did on the National Day of Prayer, it’s something that we have chosen to do as well on another landmark day later this year on September 11. Our nation has seen judgment not once but twice on September 11. That’s why we’re going to have ‘9/11 Pray’ on that day. Is there anything better that we can do on that day rather than to humble ourselves and to pray to an almighty God?

Does this mean God (and I assume we’re talking about the Old Testament version) ordered the 9/11 hijackers to kill 3,000 Americans and ordered the attack on the American embassy in Benghazi?

God is kind of a dick, isn’t he?

This is a good example of why I am not religious, but if I were I’d rather believe in a benevolent god than a self-righteous douchebag who makes people hit themselves for funsies.

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  • trgahan

    I don’t know. I find comfort in Bachmann’s logic (oxymoron I know). If God is regularly punishing us on 9/11 then first he killed 3,000+ people and destroyed four planes and two and half buildings. Then in 2012 he killed half a dozen people and destroyed a car and a building. Clearly we have done SOMETHING right to appease him into lowering the body count and property damage.

    Since 2001, we have elected a black guy, ended two wars, passed healthcare reform, begun to grant gays human rights…hrm..Any ideas what we did to appease this drunked step-dad of a creator, Bachmann?

    • KABoink_after_wingnut_hacker

      LOL…Great post! ;-)

  • Draxiar

    I say we put forth a petition to eliminate the 11th from September! That way God can’t attack us on that day anymore!

    …and God thought he could outsmart us. What a maroon!

  • Brutlyhonest

    Does this mean God (and I assume we’re talking about the Old
    Testament version) ordered the 9/11 hijackers to kill 3,000 Americans
    and ordered the attack on the American embassy in Benghazi?

    God is kind of a dick, isn’t he?

    Yes, and yes. The logic of christian zealots is the same as that of muslim zealots – also too their god is the same.

  • i_am_allwrite

    She truly is the Wayne Gretzky of stupid. And while hockey isn’t the most popular sport, I have to use Gretzky because of the gap he created over the field. Gretzky scored 2,857 points in his career, nearly 1,000 more than second place. When he retired, the Hall of Fame waived the 5-year waiting period that is standard for all sports Halls and inducted him immediately.

    His greatness in hockey is the only thing I can think of that is comparable to her idiocy. Sure, nitwits like Louie Gohmert and Steve King will someday have their busts displayed in the Dumbass Hall of Fame, but they’ll have to endure the five-year waiting period. Michelle, though…I’m absolutely certain that the Dumbass Hall commissions a new bust of her every year or two, wanting to keep it on hand so that if she dies in a freak accident they can induct her that very day.

    • muselet

      FADE IN:

      EXT. THE DUMBASS HALL OF FAME – DAY

      It’s an ugly building in the middle of an ugly industrial park. Sharing the parking lot is a huge building emblazoned with the name of its owner, HENDERSON HOG RENDERING, and its corporate motto, HEY, LARD’S GOTTA COME FROM SOMEWHERE.

      CHEERY MUSIC PLAYS under during the entire spot. It sounds like a fourth-generation dub of a cassette bought at a thrift shop.

      NARRATOR (V.O)

      Welcome to the Dumbass Hall of Fame! Walk through our front doors –

      INSERT: Above the double doors are engraved the words:

      Hey, hold my beer and watch this!

      NARRATOR (V.O) – CONT’D

      – and into our elegant foyer.

      INT. FOYER – CONTINUOUS

      The camera PANS around what looks an awful lot like the lobby of a slightly seedy motel on the wrong side of town.

      NARRATOR (V.O.) – CONT’D

      Here, you can interact with animatronic likenesses of famous simpletons and knuckleheads like Ronald Reagan and Jerry Falwell.

      We see groups of TOURISTS. They are LAUGHING and CHATTING with the animatronic figures.

      NARRATOR (V.O.) – CONT’D

      But that’s just the beginning.

      The camera TRACKS through a door and down

      INT. CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS

      As it passes the entrance to each Special Exhibits, the camera PANS to show a tantalizing glimpse of what’s inside.

      NARRATOR (V.O.) – CONT’D

      Be sure to wear comfortable shoes, because you won’t want to miss the self-guided tour of our Special Exhibits of Dumbassery, honoring the famous and the unheralded alike in fields as diverse as Sports, Religion, the Arts and Politics. Unfortunately, our Science exhibit is temporarily closed. We can’t seem to get the Trofim Lysenko display to work.

      The camera PANS to show a glimpse through the entrance to the Science exhibit. Past a streamer of CAUTION tape, we get a glimpse of a statue of Trofim Lysenko himself. Who knew bronze could burn?

      The camera TRACKS onward down the corridor.

      NARRATOR (V.O.) – CONT’D

      And our Gift Shop offers an unparalleled assortment of dumbass-related merchandise, all at surprisingly affordable prices!

      We enter the GIFT SHOP. “I’M WITH STUPID” T-shirts and tchotchkes that seem to serve no purpose fill the racks and tables.

      NARRATOR (V.O.) – CONT’D

      We even do gift-wrapping and can ship to anywhere in the world.

      The camera ZOOMS in on an EMPLOYEE wrapping a box. The paper is obscured by huge snarls of tape. She holds the box up and smiles proudly. She might be attractive if she weren’t missing a front tooth.

      The camera TRACKS through the EXIT and into the parking lot, then PANS to show the building again.

      NARRATOR (V.O.) – CONT’D

      A visit to the Dumbass Hall of Fame is a day well-spent. We’re located only ten minutes from the airport. An hour if you argue with your satnav like a dumbass.

      SUPER: The address, hours and contact information for the Dumbass Hall of Fame. Some of the information may actually be accurate.

      The music SWELLS to a climax, then stops.

      BLACK OUT.

      –alopecia

    • Victor_the_Crab

      I dunno. Stupid is subjective. And between Bachmann, Gohmert, King, et al, it would be difficult for even a magic mirror to decide who’s the stupidest one of all.

      • i_am_allwrite

        Gretzky has had the four best scoring seasons of all time, but there were guys who had career years who got into the same neighborhood. It comes down to the body of work. Bachmann has spent a career averaging such an incredibly high level of idiocy…she never has a down year.

  • Victor_the_Crab

    “Is there anything better that we can do on that day rather than to humble ourselves and to pray to an almighty God?”

    Well, God could grow a huge penis between Michelle Bachmann’s legs, just for shits and giggles. That would certainly make her husband Marcus the happiest man in America.

    • D_C_Wilson

      You what would make me a believer? If God did one of the following things:

      1) Wrote in the sky in clear letters, “Knock it off with the gay stuff!”

      2) Destroyed just one state that legalized gay marriage without affecting any of the neighboring states. Just suck it out into space, leaving a Maryland-shaped hole in the ground or something.

      3) Michele Bachmann expressed an intelligent thought.

      Any of those would be a clear, unambiguous miracle. I am sick and tired of every terrorist attack or random natural disaster being labeled as “God’s Wrath” even though it never seems to hit the actual “sinners” that these wingnuts rail against. A hurricane hits Louisiana and it’s because of teh gayz” because Louisiana is pretty much the exact opposite of being at the forefront of the gay rights issue.

      • Victor_the_Crab

        How ’bout a couple of years ago when Texas governor Rick Perry organized a day of prayer rally in Houston and asked God Almighty to end the drought plaguing Texas. And instead, wildfires broke out.

      • nathkatun7

        D-C- Wilson,great points. I especially liked #3! If God did that I would readily become a right wing Christian convert.

  • D_C_Wilson

    “It’s no secret that our nation may very well be experiencing the hand of judgment.”

    It’s “no secret” but she’s not absolutely certain?

  • Clecinosu

    Why don’t we call this guy “God” to the stand?

    Nah, Issa won’t let Him testify either. Might actually diffuse the rhetoric.