A Winning Platform

In the world of modern conservatism, there’s calling for the reinstatement of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, there’s calling for the reinstatement of the Defense of Marriage Act, and then there’s this.

In an unusual move, Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli II (R), his party’s nominee for governor, launched a new campaign website Wednesday highlighting his efforts to reinstate Virginia’s unconstitutional Crimes Against Nature law. The rule, which makes felons out of even consenting married couples who engage in oral or anal sex in the privacy of their own homes, was struck down by federal courts after Cuccinelli blocked efforts to bring it in line with the Supreme Court’s 2003 Lawrence v. Texas ruling.

Vote for me because I’ll revive an unconstitutional law that would make you a criminal for having sex with your husband or wife in your own bedroom?

Why stop there? Why not make it a felony to sleep in the same bed? I bet you could still scare up 30 or 40 percent of the vote on that platform by simultaneously accusing your opponent of seeking to dole out welfare checks. Because obviously that’s just as bad if not worse than people freely having sex.

If you can get blown without fear of being prosecuted for it, is this still America?

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  • Victor_the_Crab

    As Robin Williams stated in the movie Good Morning Vietnam, this guy needs a blowjob worse than any white man on the face of the earth.

  • Vic78

    They can also come up with the Save Your Seed Act due to excessive masturbation. The landscape is littered with dead kittens.

  • muselet

    Dan Savage long ago started agitating for a Straight Rights Movement because, quoting from memory, “They’re coming for you next, straight people.”

    Lordy, I am so tired of joyless buffoons like Ken Cuccinelli.

    –alopecia

  • mrbrink

    Yeah, this isn’t about one of those crazy laws from the 1800′s still on the books that no one takes seriously anymore.

    Cuccinelli:

    “My view is that homosexual acts, not homosexuality, but homosexual acts are wrong. They’re intrinsically wrong. And I think in a natural law based country it’s appropriate to have policies that reflect that. … They don’t comport with natural law.”

    But this law is for the kids, man! All those naughty little boys and girls of consenting age dancing at the clubs and drilling holes into the walls of highway rest stops all over this fine country.

    “If any person carnally knows in any manner any brute animal, or carnally knows any male or female person by the anus or by or with the mouth, or voluntarily submits to such carnal knowledge, he or she shall be guilty of a Class 6 felony…”

    The 911 calls will have to be recorded for hot and steamy quality control.

    • Claude Weaver

      How…does…that…work? It’s okay to want to have sex with the same gender, as long as you don’t actually do it? Wait, I just answered my own question, didn’t I?

      If this thing ever passed, there are going to be a ton of pissed off parochial/private school “virgins” whose loophole just got closed.

  • Kerry Reid

    How is it that people who tout “natural law” have apparently never seen a dog lick its balls?